We'll never turn back time *solo*

We’ll never turn back time.

Life was a gruelling journey. The tribulations fell in succession, cascading around our bodies as we dragged ourselves through another day. Then we die, we wake up again and we keep on fighting. Fighting in a physical sense was never the problem, when you have no choice and your number is up, you go down swinging; that part had always been simple. The mental toll was darker, our perception was the brush that coloured our experiences and slowly the colour faded from the world. When you live in darkness, waking up can be the hardest part. Losing count of second chances, and trying desperately to clutch to the light you think you remember feeling. That had been the problem. Hindsight is a mirage of wishful memories.

Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.

For so long, Kaiyo had been unable to sleep, unable to live in her present when she was haunted by her past. Life had never been what she had expected but she had made the decision early on that she didn’t want to define herself as someone who did what was easy, instead of what was right. Things got muddied, the sharp lines became blurred and out of focus. Kaiyo was tired of looking so hard, so she stopped. After the war, after her death; she left. For years, the girl had been assumed dead anyway. For a long time, she wished that was true... It’s funny: even when we’re the villain in someone else’s story, we remain the hero in our own.

Kaiyo had stopped fighting, for years she’d not even touched her blade; it had been destroyed in the war anyway and if she was honest she didn’t need it. The short girl had defied everything she’d ever been told so she didn’t know the precedent for regaining your zanpakutou. A shinigami’s sword was a part of their soul, when the Shinigami dies, their sword dies with them. Kaiyo missed the company of her blade, their wisdom, unwavering belief and their presence within her. It was difficult to accept that she was really alone. When she’d been brought back to life, her body had been sealed. Her spiritual energy capped within the tattoo on her stomach; locked inside her form to help her heal. She’d had a sneaking suspicion she could break the bars that held her if she’d really tried. She hadn’t tried. The small joys of life had returned to the girl and she’d lived a solitary existence in her recovery. Despite her best efforts, despite wanting so badly to want this life, Kaiyo knew she’d never truly be happy here. Engagement and meaning: they were the core of her joy. Nothing can replace our passion, nothing can satiate our truest desires. There is no replacement, nothing we can substitute for life.

As things do, the yearning had begun like a distant drum in her mind. Constantly beating but so far away she could barely hear it. Every day the clutter cleared, the dust settled and the beating grew stronger. The twang of the drum resonated through her soul, igniting the lightning with her. Ignorance is only blissful for so long. Even if you’re on the right path, if you stand still you’ll get knocked over.

Her fingertips traced the etchings along her skin. Entranced by her own reflection as she flattened her palm against her chest. Her breathing felt stunted, as if the tension in her body were blocking the air itself. A thought had surfaced this morning, a feeling she couldn’t shake. The drum continued to beat. Her zanpakutou had died with her, she had said goodbye to Tenrai Zenpyou but if she had been reborn, maybe they had too? If her soul was new again, would they be? Would they be the same.

Kaiyo didn’t even know if she was the same. Her locked away reiatsu was a mystery to her, she couldn’t even feel it anymore, it was like she stopped living with a sense of smell: it had been an adjustment to say the least.
Her toes sank into the thick rug as she widened her stance, drawing her vision away from the mirror as she looked down at her body. Whoever had brought her back to life sure knew what they were doing. It looked like some next level spiritual barrier scratched into her skin. Maybe she’d be stuck with this marking forever, she wasn’t one to care about that too much, plus it had grown on her. Kaiyo twisted side to side, swinging her arms loosely as she tried to fill her lungs. Her yellow hair fanned outwards as she moved, brushing against her neck. A rogue strand draped down her collarbone. She tugged at the hair, pulling it closer to her eyes as she decided it had gotten far too long. If she was going to start living again, she needed it out of her face for sure. She lifted herself up onto her tiptoes, arching her back as is cracked loudly. The wind was scuttling around with the leaves on her doorstep, beckoning her outside.

Kaiyo spun on her heels, grabbing her black t-shirt off the bed and stretching it over her head. She didn’t have her uniform anymore and really she wasn’t a Shinigami anymore so it would be pointless to wear it. Loose cotton trousers were good enough in this heat. Kaiyo pottered into her modest kitchen area, grabbing a blunted knife as she twisted her hair in her hand and Mulan’d it cut. She’d get it fixed later. Watching the bright threads of her hair sway down through the air was liberating and the drum began to beat louder. She might not have her zanpakutou but she’d acquired a wooden bokken and she flung it’s wrapping over her shoulder; just in case. One last look around her home, and she left. Without a second glance, without a doubt in the world. One step at a time, she was heading back to herself. Making herself from scratch and feeling her steely resolve return to her small hands.

The breeze flicked away the remaining strands of hair from her shirt, letting her head feel lighter and welcoming the cool air against the back of her neck. Her palms stretched out wide, sweeping through the tall grass that she suspected had never been cut. She was miles away from civilisation so she might as well enjoy the walk there.

To the academy. If it was still there, she’d find out in a few days. Kaiyo needed to learn it all over again, unlock her spiritual energy and reclaim her power, her zanpakutou and her fight.

**To be Continued*