*Leden walked in to the training ground with 2 other students. Leden removed his shirt exposing his torso while the other 2 students took their stances. They held there blades in front of them there tips pointed up. Leden drew his blade slowly as the wind blew some leaves in across the training grounds. The 2 students rushed in at Leden as soon as the leaves hit the floor. The one student in red swung his Zanpakuto left across Ledens chest. Leden block his blade by swings his own upward holding the tip pointed at the ground on a right angle. While there blades were locked the student in Blue went for a stab at ledens lower torso by trusting his blade under the 2 locked blades. Leden side stepped the blade as it came within inches of stabbing him by stepping to his left. leden lifted his sword over his head and brought it down on to the head of the student in blue . The student in read turned and block ledens blade before it could make contact with the blue students head. The blue student swung his sword to the right wile leden has his blades locked with the student in red. leden jumped back swinging his Zanpakuto to the left parrying the blue students sword . He landed with his left foot and push forwarded over powering the student in blue pushing him back 8 feet. The red student rushed in at leden rights. he came in with a series of swings first left ,then right ,then a strong horizontal slash across the center of leden’s chest . Leden meet his attack by swinging his sword right then, left, and then vertical upwared swing with the tip moving up towards the sky. Sparks flew as the Zanpakutos connected with one another. The last one sent the red student stumbling back a few steps due to ledens Physical strength. the blue student came in unexpectly from ledens right with a downward slice. Leden stepped towareds his left but the Zanpakuto cut his shoulder. The blood streamed down his left chest plate. He smiled at the blue student. Then the red student came charging at leden with his sword over his head ….leden swung his Zanpakuto upward block the red students sword as it came down. Leden then slammed his knee in to the students chest . The red bent over and gasped for air before he fell to the ground . The blue student stabbed at leden left shoulder ….leden swung his sword right knocking the blue students sword arm of course. leden took this opportunity and pointed his sword at the blue students neck …and smile. The both backed up and bowed to each other before going to help the red student to his feet and taking him back to the dorms to get help *

Hmm i'm going to give it a +1 to fighting skill. Try to paragraph your work and add character thoughts and what not into it as well.

*Leden enter the gym today he found this place most relaxing since few people came here. it seemed most student dident work out there physical body much but this had always been important to Leden.

( i think i will hit the bag to day before hitting the weights )

*he walked over to the supply closet and searched the shelf for some gloves ....he found a black par in sizes near the back . he walk over to the bag as he put his hands in the gloves and taped them to his wrist with red tape *

(that should do it ...i need to ask so one to hold the bag for me )

*he stopped half way to the bag and looked around a 4th year look like he had just finished some push up. leden walked over to him *

hey do you mind hold the punching bag for me

0- not at all

*the kid hope to his feet and followed leden to the bag*

0- my name is Tozon

nice to meet you my name is Leden ...do you come here often

0- yea i do ...i have been looking for a sparing partner but few in my class come here

i know what you mean ...how but we spar some time ...i come here a lot

0- thats great i am going to hold you to that

*they had reached the bag Tozan got behind it and warped his arms around the bag. leden hit his fist together to make sure the gloves were tight. he then bent forward bring his gloves up to his face. he start to jab out with is left . the jabs were quick and aimed at the up part of the bag . leden focused on his form and breathing . he took short breaths between each breath. he then added in his right doing a 1 -2 jab combo . he would jab once with his right then twice with his left .

0- good job Leden but watch your footing you want to not move in so much on the jab

(he is right ...i need to have a soiled stance for my jabs ....this could turn out to be a cool friend ship )

*leden nodded to Tozon and fixed his stance making his body more grounded as he moved on to a 2-3 combo he was now leaning in to the punches with his upper body not his lower this was giving them more power in each punch. leden was alternating between 2 right jabs and then 3 left jabs and 2 left jabs and 3 right jabs . beads of sweet started to pour down his forehead and the rest of his body . Tozon was also working up a sweat holding bag since the change in leden's footing was making the punches more powerful . after working up a nice healthy sweat leden stood up straight as Tozon tossed him a towel*

0- your really strong its clear you work out a lot

*leden wipes the sweat of his face and smiles at Tozon *

the body is a temple and should be worked out just as much as we work on our Shinigami powers

0- your right i never thought of it like that

hey can you spot me on the bench i want to get in a few reps then we can go gets some food

0- yea i got you

*the two walked over to the bench*

0-how much do you lift

about 280 -300

0- wow i am trying to be like you ...i am only at 225

*Leden smiled as he laid back on the bench after putting the weights on *

i will help you get your weight game up

*tozon nodded to leden as leden put his hands on the bars making sure the were far enough apart for him to do this and be conferable . Tozan held his hand under the bar as Leden extended his arms up lifting the bar and weights in to the air over him . he moved the bar over his chest and brought it down slow . the muscles in his biceps contracted along with his muscles in his back . he brought the bar down till it was about a center meeter from touching his chest . as he did this he took a deep breath in . he then pushed his arms out lifting the bat up but not all the way by fulling extending his arms as he exhaled out . this was the key to making your self stronger and more defined. he repeated this movement up and down as tozon all so move his hands up and down keeping his hands just under the bar Leden started to work up a sweat once more as the muscles in his arm budged treating to burst out of his skin.

( i must become stronger ...this way i can protect people from the evil hollows ...i can have my revenged for the death of the Kids...and i can be at peace )

*after 4 sets of 10 leden lifted the bar for the last time and put in back on the holders . he sat up slowly his arms were pulsating . tozon got him a fresh towel and then walk back and tossed it to him *

0-your a beast when you lift ...you calm eyes become so full of passions ... its kinda scary

*Leden smiled as he wiped his face off with the towel ....*


my bad i just get in the zone when i lift ....

0-i feel it come lets go the cafe is going to close in a few

*Leden up and followed Tozan out of the gym *

how was that ?

+1 fighting skill

Hi there, I'm Elvensong. I'd like to offer you a few pointers to help begin getting more points with your posts. But first, you've done some things well that I want to point out specially, so you know which things to maintain as you work on the other areas.

1) the paragraph breaks helped your readability a LOT. Keep that up.

2) One of the things I've often tried to teach people when they've asked me to help them improve their RP skills is to include the physical expriences your body has when in excersize or battle. You've added a nice bit of color and that helps draw the reader in and makes them identify with your character. Good job.

3) Your NPC struck me as being separate from Leden, which is hard for some people to do. Their secondary characters sometimes feel like a copy of the main, or just ghosts, ya know? People who are not actually people or important. I didn't get that feel off of yours.

So, to improve your work here:

1) watch the tense changes. You need to pick between present and past tense. (Pick past tense, reading present tense work gives me a headache! lol) After you've written out your work, go through and double check for tense, make sure it's all consistant.

2) Don't use the asterisks * * for action verses speach. Use "" quote marks for speach, and to further mark the difference you can use italics and/or colors. With the color you can also pick one color for thoughts, one for speach and another for your NPC's speach too. I'd suggest that one for you, as you've got three different speach type things going on in your last post.

3) Capitalize every first word in every sentence.

If you've got a word processer to work with, use that to help spell check and grammar check your work before you post. It's wonderful. It won't work on all misspellings, like two vs. too... BUT it will help get most of them out. I look forward to seeing your next work.

*Leden walked out in to the sparing ring. It had been a nice
day he thought to himself at the time he
walked in to the middle of the ring *


(I wonder who will be my sparring partner to day)


*Just as he said it a kid with gray hair and a skinny forum from his class walked in ….people called him
no voice because he had never spoke but Leden had seen him spar before and he
was no joke *





[I hope I don’t lose …]


*He thought to himself as no voice pulled his blade out and
took his stances. Leden followed by removing his blade holding it on a vertical
angle in front of him.


*The bell rang and no voice rushed at him swinging his sword horizontally
across at Leden midsections. Leden pulled his blade down on a vertical angle to
block. He slide a few inches back from No voice’s pure strength.*





This guy is strong and aggressive …the only why for me to
beat him is to match his style





*no voice came in for another attack brings his blade down
on Ledens head. Leden turned his blade on a horizontal angle and held it up. Sparks
flew as the blade connected *


Dame it I can’t even think


*No voice was pushing down on Ledens blade trying to
overpowering him.


He so strong …but I know I am stronger…I must be stronger ….how
can I beat hollows if I can’t even beat this skinny kid


*With this thought Leden put his doubts aside .he had to win.
The muscles in ledens arm contracted as he pushed up with all his might. Sweat forming
on his brow. He pushed out with a great amount of force sending no name sliding
back leaving a trail of dusk at his feet . Leden did not hesitate he rushed in
with a strong veridical slash drawing the tip of his blade down no names
shoulder to his midsections *


That should do it


*There was a whooshing sound then blood. Leden had been caught off guard no name had swung
his blade across horizontally slicing Leden’s chest. Blood started to flow out
of it before Leden could strike back the bell rang and the match was over. Both
Leden and no voice keep looking at each other . The warm blood flowing from there
open cuts was not on their mind one bit *


Not bad


*the words came from no voice as he turned and walked away
heading for the medical room …*





He spoke ….wait …he cut me …WAIT I cut him …wait i
overpowered him ….wow





*Leden walked out of the ring feeling good about himself as
he walk to get some healing *

BETTER ?

For the match i'm gonna give ya a +1.5 to fighting. I see you took Elvens on board earlier which has improved your writing no end but there is one further thing matey.

"*There was a whooshing sound then blood. Leden had been caught off guard no name had swung
his blade across horizontally slicing Leden’s chest. Blood started to flow out
of it before Leden could strike back the bell rang and the match was over. Both
Leden and no voice keep looking at each other . The warm blood flowing from there
open cuts was not on their mind one bit *"<<<<Instead of putting '*' at either end of that paragraph simply leave it as is like this:

There was a whooshing sound then blood. Leden had been caught off guard no name had swung
his blade across horizontally slicing Leden’s chest. Blood started to flow out
of it before Leden could strike back the bell rang and the match was over. Both
Leden and no voice keep looking at each other . The warm blood flowing from there
open cuts was not on their mind one bit

To be honest theres no need for them now as you've clearly defined where speech is taking place by changing its colour

i rp on another site and its custom .....its a habit more then any thing...i ill stop for this one

It was time for Leden final in fighting skill. The battle ring was over looked by 2 professors who would be grading him. He entered and walks in to the middle of the ring. He was nerviest; he had to score well on this exam if he wanted to get in to a good squad. The tallest of the two professors stood up

Leden Ziah are you ready to began

Leden took a deep breath and looked up. This was the moment of truth. The moment he would take his 1st test of his qualification applications.

Yes sir I am ready

As soon as he had responded he heard the clicks of chains bring winded up. A gate was opening on his left side. Leden drew his blade and held it in front of him as he watched the gate open. A set of glowing eyes seem to flout in the shade of the dark. A hollow came slithering out of the opening. Its body was shaped like a serpent and was a dark shade of blue . He had a torso the stood straight up with two arms the ended in claws. Its mask was smooth except for the groves above its right eye hole.



the hollow wasted no time and charged for Leden swinging his left arm done diagonal across his body . Leden stood his ground and sliced his blade up on a diagonal angle. Sparks flew as Leden slide back about 2 feet



Leden charged back at the Hollow. The hollow raised it left arm and stabbed it down at the charging Leden . Acting fast leden dodged to the right by leaping the last few feet. The Hollow had jammed in to the ground and raised it right hand now to stabe down at leden like it did with its left. Leden jumped as the hollow’s arm came down in front of him. Leden raised his blade over his head and pull his full back in to a downward vertical slash down the hollows mask. Leden landed in front of the hollow as its mask split in half and its body started to fade away.

Approved +1 to fighting skill. Watch you're spelling please.

*Leden looked up at his professors wondering if the test was done. The tallies of the two professors flashes step from his spot and landed in front of Leden . He punched out with his right hand at Leden’s chest the moment he came in to view . Acting fast Leden blocked with his left forearm and punched out with his right to counter in the processes dropping his sword.


hand to hand.. I did not know this was part of the test

*the tall professor grabbed his right wrist and twisted it to the left causing Leden a lot of pain. Leden flipped left to relive the presser and sent his right knee in to the stomach of the professor. The professor pulled his left leg up to block Leden’s knee and sent a chop down at Leden’s neck with his left hand . Leden dodged by countering with a head butt to the professor chest. His head made impact with a hard thump. The tall professor stumbled back.

I got him


Good job Leden Ziah you test results will be posted shortly you are dismissed

*Leden bowed to both of his professors and pick up and shifted his sword before exiting the ring with a feeling of pride *

Deserving of the +.5 well done threead locked