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 Would love some thoughts please =)

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Kaiyo
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PostSubject: Would love some thoughts please =)   Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:47 pm

....
I've been writing some poems and stuff recently, and given the vast writing genius of BW's members, i'd love some constructive criticism on some - if ya'll don't mind that is Smile Any and all feedback welcomed ^_^

...

Embarassed

(be nice- i'm fragile Razz)

~If i could do it again~
Snow would fly upwards, into the sky-
shooting away with a swift goodbye.
Down below the ground would quake,
as winter tree's would start to wake.
Their faltered slumber teasing the wind,
blurring shades of grass, starting to sing.

All the while, i'd stand amidst,
the uncurling brown leaf,
so imbued with wit,
holding close that single belief,
that i could start again,
and save the grief.

unwind the clock, re-turn the cogs,
snap away that biting chill-
be gone with winter and bask in the sun,
melt away howls, so harsh and trill.

Inhale my last breath and smile in the light,
regain the words that tumbled at night.
So less plausable than before,
i'd step in closer,
and pause...
Pause for a breath,
for a smile,
for a feeling,
pause and rewind that entire evening.

I wish it was, what could have been,
beyond the memory of what i see,
your shimmering eyes, so wide and bright,
a flickering pigment of crystal light.
And then that drop, the instant pause-
the moment that i lost it all.

If i could do it again...
I would say nothing...Nothing at all...




~This cage set me free~
So wrong to worry,
yet so right to care,
i had to wonder,
if others were aware.
If they knew of my box, my prison, my cell,
the abhoration i held for that hell.

Then one winters morning, in the biting chill,
i heard a faint voice, harsh and trill.
The scream of a woman, a cry of pain,
an inert understanding none could explain.
We shared a few shouts, unable to destinguish-
the articulation of our spoken English.
Then it got better,
i felt less alone,
for another like me,
called a cage their home.

No need to see, to more to know,
we'd call garbled noises through the snow.
Then came back the glare, the stark bare light,
banishing my shroud of a knight.
No more calls came.

Back to my sorrow, my festering hate,
i resigned myself to that condemned fate.
Yet out of the light, the blazing re-birth,
walked in an angel on earth.
She called to me, my heart skipped a beat,
as her image faded at my feet.

The smile it lingered, it held it's place,
holding so tightly to her glowing face.
Then i had purpose, a whole new design,
to find that angel i knew would be mine.
The rusted metal started to melt,
the quaking lock contort and twist,
i couldn't go back, i could no longer see,
for my cage had gone,
and i was free.



[ i wrote them in notepad so the spelling may be very off xP And i'm not that great at writing poems but hey-ho, i'd quite like to get better Very Happy]


Last edited by Kaiyo on Wed Aug 17, 2011 8:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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Marlamin1
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PostSubject: Re: Would love some thoughts please =)   Wed Aug 17, 2011 3:15 am

Aww... I'm not blessed with skill at poetry so no critics from me but they're still very nice Razz

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Registration date : 2011-08-30

PostSubject: Re: Would love some thoughts please =)   Mon Sep 05, 2011 3:37 pm

Their both very lovely, Im quiet impressed Ms. Fragile. =P

Lets see ... Constructive Criticism from a fellow Poem Writer.

There isnt much, you cant really be corrective on poetry because it comes from you, and your heart usually ... these have emotion in them and move with how one imagines the Poem flowing with the said emotions so on that level they are excellent. The only thing you could possibly work on is to try and find words that delve deeper into the emotion of what your trying to get Across, such as instead of saying 'eh ... ok random poetry line: "In Darkness I dove, my Hearts Pain grew and so Did it fall with my Thoughts of you.'' You could say: "In the Sorrow of Darkness, My Hearts Pain grew and so did my Pain grow from the thoughts of you." ... Im granted working at half efficiency here, however I think you get what I mean, just more ... descriptive words that bond and work with the emotion your placing into your Poetry, its a very -very- Little thing, and not even really needed, but its something to help you grow as a writer at least. ^^

Excellent Poetry, very Lovely I say again. =) Hope my half-asleep advice helps, hehe
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